Do Not Go Gentle
by wired4romance
Summary: Catherine begins journaling - to her Mom first, then to Vincent - as their relationship has drastically changed...
1. Chapter 1

_A/N – Although you may have noticed I started another fic, "If Ever I Would Leave You," I also felt the need to transcribe Catherine's journaling here, also. As she did in the very beginning of the show, she once more picks up her pen and starts writing letters—first to her Mom, then to Vincent—in the journal that Tori brought her. This will be an update after each new episode. I guess we'll see how well I do with two threads at once, now, lol…  
_  
**Do Not Go Gentle  
**_from "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" by Dylan Thomas_

_ Make your life count…_

**Chapter 1**

Hi Mom,

It's me. I know. Long time no write. I'm so sorry. I've been caught up in my own world for too long. But I need you now, more than ever. So much has happened this year, I don't even know where to begin.

Tonight I shot the man I love.

I didn't want to. I did everything I could think of to stop it from happening. But it did. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because I love him.

You don't know how much I wish we could still talk like we used to! I have so many questions about what happened in the past, about who I am and who you were. Even though I've pieced a lot of it together, there is still so much I don't know—about you, about my father, Bob Reynolds. About Vincent—the man I've been in a love relationship with for the last year and a half but whom I've barely begun to understand—not to mention the circumstances that brought the two of us together.

I suppose much of that doesn't matter now. Everything has changed. _Because I shot the man I love._

I sat and looked at my hands for a long while wondering how I could have pulled the trigger. Then I asked myself, 'how could I not?' _He should have understood!_ He should have _fought_ for us. It hurts so badly, sometimes I can't even breathe!

Oh Mom, I've needed you so much! What do I do now? How do I go on? I'm comforted, in a small way, by the fact that you knew him—the man I'd one day fall in love with, the man my heart still beats for. But I wish I could hear your voice. What would you tell me? Is it okay to feel like this? Because it's awful, awful, awful.

I keep telling everyone I'm done, I'm over 'us,' I'm so ready to move ahead. But I'll admit here, in this secret place, that the only part I'm truly done with is the hurtful way we've treated each other in the last months. What could I have done differently that we wouldn't find ourselves on the opposite ends of a gun barrel?

Dealing with his circumstances took over my life to such a degree that I stopped knowing who I was anymore. I stopped being just me and became us. That wasn't healthy and I know it. At the time, it seemed like the only thing to do—was all I _could_ do. But in the end it didn't help me and it didn't help him.

Mom, why does loving someone hurt so much? I know you loved Thomas. Was there a moment in time when you also loved my father? I want to think you did—that he was worth saving, too. I guess I'll never know for sure. It's difficult to think about at this point. And he is as lost to me as Vincent is right now.

I'm starting to forget how I felt before everything went wrong. We were so in love. It was 'us against the world,' and I would have done anything, gone anywhere for him. Then he was taken, and when I finally found him again, his first words to me were, 'who are you?' I can't tell you how much that hurt. Well, you know me. I tamped it all down. I explained it away and buried my hurt and disappointment and concentrated on the task at hand—at saving him again. And that's where I went wrong.

The problem for me was that I knew so much of it wasn't his fault. He was a good guy, a sweet guy who, in his pain of losing his brothers, just wanted to make a difference—wanted to right a wrong. He told me you wanted to protect your daughters. Whatever my father's reasons were, I'm not sure. But we all made mistakes along the line. And this is the result.

At one point, Vincent and I had seemed to get beyond that—and then they took him, and with him his memories and his basic humanity. Because he stopped being the guy I loved so much. It breaks my heart. I hope he's still there, deep inside. I really do. I want to believe that will all my heart. But I can't keep putting my life on hold or at risk while he tries to figure it out. And I no longer know the end result.

So I'm moving on. Maybe someday he'll return to me; maybe not. At this point I don't even know if I truly want that. But for his sake, I hope the man I fell so deeply in love with will find his way to the surface again. And live.

Please say a prayer for him up there, would you? And for me. We really need it…

-Catherine


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Vincent,

I wish I could tell you how I felt when I saw those bloody rags on the counter in the boathouse. Terrified. Heartbroken. Guilty. _Sad_. But I know you're not happy with me right now (just as I'm not happy with you), so talking like this is as close as we're going to get. Maybe one day you'll read this and understand what I couldn't say to you face to face.

You blame me. I get it. At some point I hope with all my heart you'll change your mind and at least try to see things from my perspective. _I love you_. I have never loved anyone the way I have loved you. That counts for something. I feel connected to you more than I've ever felt for anyone before. But sometimes love has to take the hard road. The tough road. Will you ever believe I shot you out of love? I don't know. I pray you will. I just wish it had never come to that. But I can't take it back or change what's been done.

At least you had the strength to be angry with me. You're too stubborn to die and that greatly relieves my mind. You are someone very special. You deserve to grow old and live a full life, and I want with all my heart to be able to see that happen.

Until now I thought we were on the same side. I want to believe you still want the same things I do, but perhaps we both need time to figure that out.

So much has changed. I want you to know how much I miss you—miss _us_—but now obviously isn't the time. You need to figure out who you are—apart from me—and I must do the same. One day we may find ourselves on the same road again. Believe it or not, I hope that happens.

I'm glad you have Tori to help you. I really am. She needs you right now—your guidance. I understand that. I know you'll do your best to help her because that's who you are. And JT. I hope he will one day come to believe I'm not your enemy and we can all be friends again. We were quite a team, weren't we?

You know, when they took away my badge and gun earlier I thought, this is it. This is as low as one can go. But maybe that's a good thing—because it's only up from here.

Vincent, please don't hate me. I don't think I could handle that. Get well and thrive. I only want the best for you. As I watched you stand before the world and say your name, I stopped breathing. That was what we wanted for so long! I am so, so happy for you. It breaks my heart not to share it with you, but know how amazing that makes me feel. I don't know what the future holds. Obviously there are mysteries and people we still have to deal with, but you can live your life now—freely. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it.

I'm going to step back and give you space—the space we both need. And then maybe we can one day start again.

You'll never be far from my thoughts.

Catherine


End file.
